The Day My Landlord Wore No Pants

So this is a strange story.... a hilarious one, but something that will haunt me for the rest of my time here in Australia.

I arrived home from Future Music Festival at 1am and noticed that a couple of people were still awake in the house, including my landlord, Rod. I was obviously pretty drunk and didn't really want to stop and chat so scuttled past the living room with a little wave and dived into my room. Annoyingly, I noticed a huge spider up in the corner of my room and so I went back out into the kitchen to call for Rod to come and catch it for me, as he's so kindly offered to do so after my Huntsman Spider experience a few months back. He wandered into the bathroom to grab a tissue to squish the spider with and then just as he was walking back through the kitchen towards my room, I noticed something....

HE WASN'T WEARING ANY PANTS.

There he was, my landlord, striding purposefully across the kitchen with his spider-squishing apparatus, without any pants on. And by pants I don't mean trousers, I really do mean pants. Those things which hold you penis and balls and hide keep your decency? Yeah those. Any sign of those were looooooong gone.

And it gets worse.

He strode on by, completely oblivious to my pasty white shocked face, into my room and (now this is the worst bit), CLIMBED UP ONTO MY BED and REACHED UP to get the spider from the corner of the room.

I have three words for you....

ASS. IN. FACE.

His horrible, saggy, spotty, 45 year old MAN BUM was just hanging out below his tshirt for all the world to see. It all got a bit too weird and I didn't want him to turn around triumphantly holding the spider so that I could have a full frontal view of his meat and veg at eye level, and so I sloped off into the kitchen and busied myself pouring a glass of water. Eventually he left my room, and I mumbled a kind of 'thanks' at him and then hid back in my room, frantically searching for my phone to tell Harry what had just happened.

I will never forget what I saw. 

And the most annoying bit is, is that he didn't even catch the bloody spider, did he.

B

Rollin' With The Celebs

So, I didn't mention it as we thought it was pretty insignificant at the time, but towards the end of our dinner at Catalina's on my birthday, a big group of very fancily dressed people came in and sat at a table right next to us. The were all clutching 'Vogue' goody bags and seemed to think that they were all pretty important. Pah, whatever, the Birthday Princess was in da house. They aint got nothin' on me and my galz.

One of the waiters asked us if we wanted to move as he expected that group to get pretty noisy but we said that we were fine, mainly because we were enjoying people watching. There was one women who was wearing the most ridiculously ostentatious dress I have ever seen, so much of it that she could hardly sit down, but so little of it that you could see right through the fabric to her bar legs. Very strange for a restaurant... what a silly dress. Goose bumped into her in the loos and chirped up "Oh you look... nice, where have you been?" and apparently she just gave her a blank look and muttered something about a Vogue magazine launch. Oh really? Cool. Well, we're just going to carry on with our evening and not really pay you much attention, giving you funny looks as you kind of float above your seat because you can't sit properly in your big pretentious purple poofy dress.

Until, a couple of days later, Goose spotted this....

Oh. 

Shit. 

So dress lady was kinda important then. And her silly dress? Oh, just a bit of Dior haute couture we've got there. What a RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE MAGICAL FAIRY QUEEN DESIGNER silly dress. I wish I'd touched it. It's still a silly dress, and that's $50,000s worth of purple netting wasted on, well, still being able to see her legs... but I'll never get that close to a dress like that ever again. 

Perhaps Erica thought Goose was just trying to play it cool when they were in the loo together, or perhaps she realised we were just clueless British girls who don't know any Australia celebs. (I still don't know who she is....)

You can have a little look at her Vogue interview here and some more shots of her big celebratory day as a Vogue cover girl with all her other famous fashionista pals here. 

Even though it feels like a bit of a whoops on our behalf, I quite enjoy that we were completely oblivious to the fact that she was famous and just carried on as normal. That dress though....

B

Pen Pals

I had a very entertaining day at the bar yesterday. I made a new friend, his name is Bill, he's about 87 years old, and he's an absolute babe.

It all started when he came in on Saturday and whilst the bar was quiet during the afternoon, he sat and ordered about fifteen 'double scotch on the rocks'. I served him every time and he tipped me $2 for each and every drink I poured (sadly our tips are pooled, so every time I had the pain of dropping the coin into the tip jar) and he struck up a friendly conversation with me. Turns out he's an avid music fan and told me that he's just come from watching 'South Pacific' at the Opera House. It's his favourite musical and he's seen it performed over 30 times all over Europe, however this was his Australian debut and he was VERY excited about how good it was. The lead female singer is apparently amazing guys, he recommends this production highly, shall we go!? We soon became best buds and chatted away merrily until Happy Hour struck and I had to actually do some work. He's an ex-army Captain and lives in Plymouth in Devon - what are the chances! - and we bonded over our love/hate relationship for the south of England. He was the funniest little man with teeny weeny eyes but enormous glasses which made him look like a human bush baby, and the strangest little pencil moustache I have ever seen.

On Sunday, he came back and stood in exactly the same place at the bar, and the same happened again. The bar was dead, even through happy hour as the weather was rubbish (and no one comes to Circular Quay when its even slightly cold) and so we chatted away for most of the afternoon. When he had to leave, he did the equivalent for his generation of 'add me on Facebook' and gave me his address so that we could be pen pals! He also took my home address (not my Australian one because I'm moving here soon and don't know what my future address will be), and promised to send me a Christmas card and postcards from all over the world (Mum take note, you'll need to be forwarding them out here to me!). He gave me a big kiss on the cheek and pressed another $2 coin in my hand and shuffled out the door, pissed as a fart but happy as anything.

Everyone else working on the bar thought it was absolutely hilarious, but they'll be jealous when I get my Christmas card and they don't! I just hope he keeps his word....! Watch this space for Bill updates. I miss him already.

B

September Slump

We were warned about this. Whilst we were all dancing around happily in our shorts and walking around in bare feet, remarking on how fantastic the 32 degree heat and sunny weather was, and how we didn't mind the Australian winter one bit, they all warned us about the 'September Slump'. And did we believe them? 

Nope.

But as of the past few days, we sure as hell do. Now I know us Brits are always ones to rant about the weather, but this has been ridiculous. It all began with crazy gale force winds which were so strong that it meant that you didn't have to walk anywhere, you kinda just got blown along, and there was no need to actually go to the gym, just walking back and forth from lectures was enough resistance training thank you very much.

At first it was all warm and quite exciting, like the wind in Pocohontas (that bit when she sings that power ballad and dances through the air. No? Well here you go then...)

Moo, Ella and Maisie, this song reminds me so much of you guys for some reason!?

(Feel educated now? Good.) But then it got very cold and cloudy and then, this morning, IT STARTED TO RAIN. Not only is this just rain, it's torrential rain and it hasn't stopped all day. Mass panic and very obscure outfits have broken out across campus and attendance for all lectures has dropped by at least 10% as no one wants to walk anywhere!

The view from my apartment where I hid all afternoon

It's be horrible and Goose and I are miserable but weirdly nostalgic as we feel like we're back in Newcastle/Edinburgh again. I seriously don't understand how we deal with this weather on a day to day basis usually!? It looks like it's going to rain again tomorrow, but then the rest of the week picks up and goes back to sunshine.

Thank god for that.

B

Arts Week

So, the idea of having an 'Arts Week' at such a science-y university is almost ridiculous, but somehow they've managed to battle on and a few arty bits and bobs have been popping up all over campus this week.

The weather is blissful at the moment, as usual, and everyone seems to be in a particularly good mood. Goose, Jack and I sat together in between lectures in the main quad and lolled about in the sun.

After my lectures, I took some time out and sat on the Library Lawn to enjoy the weather and listened to a live band performing who were called "General Pants and The Privates". Right.... despite their questionable name they were actually quite good. Everyone was lying on the lawn and enjoying the harsh Australia Winter. NAAAT.

Heading back down on to lower campus, there are more fun arty things. The Brasser Steps had graffiti all up the walls...

The sundial in the Main Quad had a giant dreamcatcher hanging from it, and there was another live band - and even an arts and crafts tent...

On lower campus I found some frilly trees....

....and an eggplant?

Walking down the main walkway I also discovered some little market stalls, which I hovered around for ages and eventually bought a funky little sweatshirt.

There's also loads of other stuff going on, like film nights and art classes, and even some exhibition thing where you're meant to write an anonymous secret on a postcard and post it into one of the various letter poxes left around campus, and then they're all put up in an exhibition space for everyone to read. This is an idea copied form an artist who set up PostSecret as a community arts project, quite an interesting idea really. Some of the secrets on that site are pretty odd though.... turns out there are a lot of closet lesbian Grandmas in this world!

Anyway, lots of arty fun in the sun today. I'm feeling a bit tired though, I might go have a little snooze in the Eggplant...

B

John Simpson Donkey Cake

Drunk and Disorderly Diana called us today and told us she wanted to bring us a present to thank us for rescuing her! We met her at Coco Cubano and this magnificant piece of artwork was her gift to us...

A donkey cake! Now, there is more behind the reason of why this cake is a donkey shape, other than it being the only cake tin she had (!), and Goose has explained it all in perfect prose on her blog:

"This is a John Simpson Donkey cake. Now, Diana gave us a little history lesson and told us all about John Simpson. John Simpson was an Anzac (Australian & New Zealand Army Corp) who served in WW1 at Gallipoli. He is some sort of Australian hero because apparently he somehow got hold of a donkey and risked his life by ferrying injured soldiers form the front line to the beach where they could be taken to hospital. According to the great Wikipedia, he is part of the 'Anzac Legend'. Diana thought it fitting to bring Becky and I this cake because, although we were sans donkey as it were, we did pick up an injured/drunk soldier and ferry her back home."

How cute is that!? It was great to have a little catch up with her and hear all her news. We sat together and reminisced about the John Simpson day, and ate ALL of the cake...

So, now Goose and I are full of lots of cake and a little bit of Australian history, and feeling pleased that our little Australian soldier is back on her feet again! 

B

Drunk and Disorderly Diana

So, at about 3.30pm Goose and I decided to nip to Coles (supermarket) and set off on our way up High Street. Halfway up the hill, we discovered a bike and two little feet poking out of the bush. These feet belonged to Diana, and poor Diana was not in a very good state. At first, we thought that she had fallen off her bike and hit her head and was badly concussed, but after getting a little closer we smelt the pungent smell of alcohol (definitely Goon), and realised that she was just, excuse my french, really fucking hammered. She had been quite sick and was obviously not feeling too well, and so we tidied up her hair with a complimentary hair tie and snapped into Mummy Mode.

We learnt her name, and asked if we could borrow her phone and managed to call her housemate, Carly. Carly said she couldn't come and get her because she was getting ready for a job interview, but we said we'd walk her home and she gave us the address. We stood Diana up and whilst I took her bike, Goose held her up by her backpack, and we set off on one of the most hilarious journey's I have ever had!

Diana soon perked up a bit and thanked us for rescuing her, and whilst she took to marching ("I'm going to march, it will sober me up!"), we tried to get her to tell us why she was so drunk. She didn't seem to really know the answer, or what she had been doing, but it was something to do with a sports event at UNSW (she was dressed in sports kit) and it was "all Harry's fault". We're guessing she'd had a match of some sort and then they'll all hit the Goon pretty hard, and then when she attempted to cycle home, the hill was a little too much for her and she fell off her bike and passed out in the hedge. She had no recollection of even getting on her bike, let alone falling off! 

We ambled along slowly, me trying to master walking-pace peddling, and Goose holding Diana back by her backpack like a toddler making sure she didn't step out into the road. Here's a little video we took so that we could add her on Facebook and name and shame her the next day....

Isn't she hilarious!? Definitely my favourite Aussie that I've met so far.

After many embarrassed thankyous, lots of laughter, repeated invites to a BBQ and declaritions that "Brits were awesome", we returned Diana to her house, and Carly, and left her to drink some water and have a much needed shower.

Despite the whole round trip to Coles and back taking nearly 3 hours (it should have been 1, tops!) Goose and I felt very proud of our good samaritan deed of the day and are thoroughly looking forward to hearing from Diana tomorrow!

B